Discover your why

Motivation was my biggest fail of 2018. I just don’t know what happened, but I was so not motivated for fitness or even eating right. At the beginning of 2019, I told myself something has got to change. Something has got to give because continuing to do the same thing that I did in 2018 would only dig me into a deeper hole of dissatisfaction with myself and with life. I started thinking about motivation. Motivation is what drives others to do what they do. It is the reason why people go out there and conquer their greatest desires. So I started thinking about the word motivation and realized that there are so many reasons why I want to eat better and exercise more but I wanted to find my biggest why. What would really get me to make a change and stick to it. While looking over my list of reasons, I realized that there are both internal and external reasons why I want to do better in those areas.

Internal motivations are those reasons that are for the self, for you. How does whatever you want to change benefit you. I have found that when I participate in more physical activity or eat better, my self-esteem goes up, my anxiety goes down, and I can even sleep better. So my biggest internal motivation is health, physical and mental. I am tired of feeling sluggish and overtired. I’m tired of letting food control me. I like that feeling that I get when I finally lay down in my bed and my body feels relaxed. I don’t know if you are with me on this one but man I love soreness. It is a physical stimulus that lets me know that my muscles put in some work and it activates a lot of positivity in my brain!

External motivation is a little different. These reasons for doing something typically result in some form of reward such as money, an award, or just attention and encouragement from others. I love to help others. That is like a calling or something for me. So the reward that I get when I can be an inspiration or helpful in someway is everything to me. When I think of own personal external motivators, I think of my nieces and nephew. I think of my close friends and family. I think of all those people that are having a hard time accomplishing their goals. I think of the people that I serve at work that have had the worst life and cannot get started on just simple goals. And of course the biggest external reward is the girl I see in the mirror every day. The change in my body that occurs when I crush those goals. I see strength and I see accomplishment.

Currently, my motivation tank is sky high and I am totally digging it! I have friends who are just as fired up about trying to do better so that is helpful for me as well. I encourage all of you to dig deep in your soul and find your true why. That is the only way that you will be successful. Sit down, grab a cup of coffee or tea and write the word WHY in big letters on a blank sheet of paper. Then start putting down your reasons why. Then put that piece of paper on your mirror or somewhere you can see it everyday and fight. Fight hard to accomplish those goals. My biggest why is because I want to live the remaining years of my life in the best health I can be in. Also, I am 35 years old and just now highly considering conceiving sometime in the next year or two. I want to be healthy when I conceive and I want to be healthy afterwards so that I won’t feed my child nothing but fast food. Nothing against those that do that because that is your child and maybe that works for you and maybe that is all  you have been taught. I just want to do my life the way that I feel is better for me. Good luck everyone! Please comment and share your whys. Thank  you!

It is never too late to try again

December 27,2017 is the day that I took this photo. A year and almost a month ago. Sometime this afternoon, I decided that it would be a great idea to look back at photos saved on my phone and on Snapchat. I remember this day perfectly well. I was so happy and felt so accomplished. I had been working out so hard. In October of 2017 I had heard about an online training program that a dear friend of mine does and I made the decision to look into it. I really wanted a trainer that would come to the gym with me but my fiancés told me otherwise. I went online and checked out his program and immediately was drawn to it. It seemed doable and the price fit my budget just perfectly so I jumped on the opportunity.

When I messaged him, he answered promptly. He reassured me that he would help me and would answer any questions so that made it all so much easier for me to say yes! So I promptly told him that I would be willing to begin in November. I am going to be honest. At first I was overwhelmed. He sent me a workout plan for the whole month. It was basically do these 6 exercises every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Every day had its own target area. I remember Wednesday and Saturday were the days that I did not look forward to because you used your own body weight to accomplish them. And here I thought that the day I would have to do lunges would be the worst part. The plan looked intimidating but only because I had never had any real training before. After looking at the videos that he sent, I was like okay. Lets do this. I told myself, “I can do this”. The first two weeks were difficult but after a few weeks, it became easier. Another moment of honesty. I hated going to the gym for 6 days straight. It was hard. To go from working out 3-4 times a week, sometimes at that, it just was hard. I really think that what motivated me was the fact that I paid money for my training so I couldn’t let it go to waste. I just couldn’t. It would be like throwing money away in the trash. So I pushed through the struggles and hardships and after a couple of weeks it became a habit.

Funny moment. Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around and I remember asking the gym about their holiday hours for those two holidays. I just couldn’t believe it. I remember thinking, why in the heck am I worried that the gym will be closed on Thanksgiving or Christmas Day!? I was like wow. I must be really dedicated. I worked out for two full months non-stop. I was dedicated. I was motivated. I was seeing results as you can see from the picture above. I was so happy. Then, of course, January rolled around. I swear, all of those people trying to workout at the beginning of the year really annoyed me. I would go into the gym and was literally having to wait around for weights. I would get so frustrated and my workout routines went from skipping one exercise to skipping complete days and then complete weeks and by February I was not working out very much anymore. And then to make matters worse, the AC compressor on my car went out. If you know anything about cars, you know that this is quite expensive. It cost me 1,000 + to replace. Then I did what I was fearing I would end up doing, I cancelled my online training. I messaged my dear trainer friend and told him what I had happened and ended services with him. I told him I would get back with him as soon as I could start again. It was the worst decision I could have ever made.

It has been 11 months or so now since that day and I regret ever quitting. Because I did. I quit. I have to accept that. I could have afforded it but I told myself that I couldn’t. I told myself that I couldn’t do it anymore. I had tons of excuses. I made tons of excuses. Reflecting and writing about it actually makes me sad. I keep wondering where I would be right now if I had not given up. If I would have just kept going. But see that is what happens. Sometimes life gets too hard and too complicated and we think that by not doing something for a couple of weeks or months that we can’t try again until its a new season. You just have to get up and try again. Don’t wait until you have a vacation or wedding coming up. Start now. So this is why I have decided today that I want to get back on track. This picture did it for me. I remember the feeling. I want that back. I am so glad that I looked back at pictures. It shows me my potential. It shows me that I can do it. Because I can. If you have a chance today, look over old pictures or even your journal. This might help you get back on track as well. Warning: be prepared for tears and for a new rush of hope.

I am 217 pounds right now and I only know this because I went to the doctor recently. Up until this week I was doing very little exercise. I would get myself in the gym about once a week and most of the time it was on a Monday and every Monday I would manage to convince myself that I was too busy the rest of the week to do any form of exercise. Today, I am on day two of week one. I feel better. I want to do better. I want to share with others the struggles. I want everyone out there that is battling with the motivation or strength to do it to know that you are not alone. There are so many of us out here in this world trying to get back on track with so much. You can do this! Lets go!

Self-love

quotes-about-self-loveFor the last couple of days I have been pondering on a few things that have kept coming to my mind without any true meaning. It wasn’t a complete thought. More so, like a lot of puzzle pieces that I couldn’t quite put together until I ran into this on the internet. It read, “Invest in your mind, invest in your health, invest in yourself”. This message was so powerful to me. Everything that has been going through my brain, my mind now makes perfect sense. I have been investing in others and not myself. Ouch. That hurt. Earlier today I posted something on Facebook about practicing honesty today and wow if this isn’t being honest with myself then I don’t know what is.

All my time and energy has been going to others. I have once again fallen prey to the pattern of putting others before me. I think to myself, if I don’t invest this much time with my partner, I will lose him. If I don’t spend time with my nieces, they will not call me their favorite aunt or #1 aunt. If I don’t spend time with my family, I am a terrible daughter or sister. It is always a fight to satisfy everyone and keep everyone happy. And sometimes that becomes overwhelming and frustrating.. Y’all, well-being is so important. I have had no energy. It is a drag to get up in the mornings. No desire to do anything after work except watch TV.  Putting on makeup is even a drag. I no longer meal prep, I no longer workout on a daily basis. I have started two whole books and can’t even finish them. Maybe, I am just doing too much of one thing. Regardless, I need to take a step back and analyze.

It looks like the culprit to starting 2019 like a snail is basically lack of self-love. I need to start investing more in myself and maybe just maybe if I do that, everything else will fall in its place. I am constantly worrying about what is going to happen with this situation or that situation. Being worried about it is not going to fix anything. I know that. So where to start…

So, a few years ago I did a date yourself challenge that I found on Facebook. Thinking back to what the woman that created that challenge had us do, made me think of ways that I can go back to working on me and doing things for myself. Quality time with yourself is very therapeutic. That whole week I pampered myself and oh my God. It was amazing. I should do that. Come up with some things that I can do for myself to bring myself back front and center of my life. I care about my loved ones and will include them in my life but it is time to set some boundaries that will keep all of us happy. I need to practice self-care and self-love. After all, we only get one life, right?

I will work on a list this weekend that consists of things I can do to practice self-love and will share it on here soon enough. I will start with maybe setting up a dinner date with my cousin who has been attempting to set something up with me for a couple of weeks now. Also, I have an update for the meal prepping entry I made the other day. I have come up with meals for next week and will be sharing those with you all after they are cooked and prepped. I also suggest that you involve a best friend or even your spouse or partner. That makes things sooo much easier. Plus you can make HIM do all the cooking. ha.ha. (just kidding). Happy Thursday! And please go do what I am about to start working on. Go love yourself already!